TODDLER
How to Speak ‘Toddler-ese’: A Talking Style That Really Works!
A parenting technique that makes children feel cared about and understood
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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TODDLER
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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If you were an ambassador to China but only spoke Greek, trust me, you would have problems! Likewise, talking with your toddler will be 100 times easier once you learn the simple steps to translate your words into his ‘native’ language: Toddler-ese.
I discovered Toddler-ese by accident. Like most paediatricians, I dealt with 20 tantrums a day from toddlers who hated being at the doctor’s. Then, I began to notice that when I echoed a bit of the child’s upset feelings back—using a very simple style of language—I could usually convert their crying to laughter (or at least cooperation) in minutes…or less!
Toddler-ese is better than magic and nothing short of amazing—it is real and it works! It helps children feel cared about and understood. And when you combine Toddler-ese with the Fast-Food Rule, you will be able to prevent up to 90% of tantrums before they even happen and you will settle more than 50% of the meltdowns that do occur…in seconds!
Sound too good to be true? Fortunately, it is not. In fact, most parents who try Toddler-ese usually see major improvements in their child’s behaviour in just days and feel better connected with their child.
Toddler-ese turns adult language into simple messages that our cave-kids understand…even during a tantrum. You can translate anything you want to say into Toddler-ese with just 3 simple techniques:
The first principle of Toddler-ese is to use very short phrases. The more upset your toddler is, the simpler your words need to be.
For young toddlers, or very angry older children, start with 1-2 word phrases (using just the key words). For example, for an upset 2-year-old:
Instead of: Say:
‘I know you feel mad about it.’ ‘You are mad! Mad! Mad!’
‘Did that doggie scare you?’ ‘Scared! Scared! Big doggie!’
‘You really want that candy, do you not?’ ‘Candy! Candy! You want it…now!’
These ‘bite-size’ bits of lingo are perfect for a child’s stressed-out brain. (Of course, as your toddler recovers, you will stretch your phrases back to normal.)
Repetition is just as important as short phrases. Words whiz by your toddler’s brain too fast for her to handle when she is in an emotional tangle. And the more upset she gets, the deafer she’ll seem. That’s why you will need to repeat the same short phrases 3-8 times…just to get your upset toddler’s attention. Then, it helps to say it a few more times, to convince her you really understand.
Does this sound excessive? It is not. In fact, many parents fail to soothe their child merely because they think acknowledging their child’s feelings just one time is enough. But when emotions slam shut the door of your child’s mind, you have to ‘knock’ many times just for her to hear you and ‘let you in.’
Here is how to do it: Imagine it is raining, and your 2-year-old, Sam, is desperate to go splashing in the mud. He’s crying at the door, struggling to reach the knob. In response, you:
If he keeps fussing, repeat your words a few more times. Soon he will turn to you, as if to say, Huh? Are you talking to me?
As his crying lessens, stretch your sentences back to normal: ‘Sammy says, “Outside now!” You really want to go out! You say, “Let us go play, Mummy!”’
If you have noticed his feelings accurately, he will turn to you, look you right in the eyes and think to himself: Bingo! That’s exactly what I want. Mom ‘gets it’!
As he calms a bit more, it becomes your turn to give a message (explanation, distraction, etc.): ‘But no, sweetheart, noooo. It is raining! Raining! Wet…yucky! Come with me! Let’s have a pillow fight. Come fun! It is fun!’
The first 2 parts of Toddler-ese are a big help, but the third is the magic key! Your little one may not understand all your words, but she is brilliant at reading your voice and face (a right-brain specialty). That is why mirroring a bit of your child’s emotions with your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language lets you connect perfectly with her sweet spot!
It can take a little time to get the hang of Toddler-ese. So, if you are just learning and still feel self-conscious talking like that, no worries––just start out slowly. Use it first for the little ups and downs. Once you get more comfortable with it, gradually start using it for more turbulent upsets. I guarantee that you will love using it.
Disclaimer: The information on our site is NOT medical advice for any specific person or condition. It is only meant as general information. If you have any medical questions and concerns about your child or yourself, please contact your health provider. Breastmilk is the best source of nutrition for babies. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, mothers eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast- and bottle-feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of a mother's breastmilk and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. If you do decide to use infant formula, you should follow instructions carefully.
